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Primal Post
There are so many things I want to say and scream right now. I’m so afraid of being crazy female, I suppress things and don’t let them out. To C I appear to wear my heart on my sleeve, but there are so many things I don’t say out of fear of how he might take them. It’s the same thought of “I know I can deal with this, but I’m not sure if he can deal with me telling him about it.” But now I wonder if this mentality is doing more harm than good.
The smallest things have gotten to where they will set me off internally. But as usual, I don’t say anything and just deal with it myself. Maybe going about it that way isn’t dealing with it at all.
At lunch, he tells me the lady he gave a massage to this morning didn’t pay him yet. I’m sitting here in the midst of a financial death drop and he can’t make sure his clients pay him? What the fuck is up with that?! Does he not realize how much strain I’m under? If he does, why isn’t he trying harder? And all this time I feel guilty for not doing any better myself.
I’ve been sitting here at work going in and out of tears and half of me feels justified and half of me thinks I’m being a selfish whiny bitch. I still haven’t said anything to him about it. I keep thinking things will improve and to just wait it out and not bother him with all my internal drama. But it’s been so long. I’ve been supporting us both for so long. I keep telling myself that it’s worth it and he’ll make it up to me eventually. I still want to think he will. But that other part of me wonders if he has any intention to.
I’m so afraid I’m just going to blow up at him one day. I don’t like blowing up. It’s not me. I always regret it when I do. But I should say something, shouldn’t I? I just don’t know.
Again, Tumblrs, sorry for all this drama. I hate it and I hate letting it sit out here on your dashes, but I’m out of people to talk to. And I write better than I speak. And it makes me feel marginally better. So if it’s bugging y’all, I apologize. Hopefully soon I’ll be able to think and post about much more interesting stuff like music and art and books and writing. Nonetheless, I thank y’all for your patience.
