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Too Much Uncertainty
I’ve been in a bad mood today and much of it is probably PMS, but I need to vent some.
I’m sorry, kids, I know when I post these things it’s extraordinarily dull and boring and whiny, but let’s be honest: we all do it in our own ways. I just choose to do it directly.
All night last night, C was texting with his female best friend who is married. She was having some medical issues and was worried I’m sure, and I understand that, but shouldn’t she be discussing these things with her husband more than my boyfriend? I’m worried there’s an emotional affair going on there. I’m pretty sure it’s only one-sided if there is one, but he still shouldn’t be facilitating it. I mentioned today at lunch to him that she does text him an awful lot. He retorted that it’d be different if it was his male best friend.
I had nothing good to respond with, but now I do. YES, IT IS DIFFERENT!!! It’s different because he’s a guy and she’s a girl. It’s different because I caught her holding C’s hand AT HER OWN WEDDING. It’s different because she texts him EVERY day.
This all boils down to my own insecurities, but they are warranted in some cases with this wonderful, but goddamned frustrating man. I’ve never gotten an “I love you,” I rarely get compliments, and he never SAYS anything. That’s not to say I don’t think he cares about me. I know he does. He’s even mentioned before that it’s harder for him to tell people how he feels the more he feels for them. But that’s could easily be an excuse.
I’ve decided we need to have a state of the union. I hate them, he hates them, and I always feel like such an idiot when I instigate them, but sometimes it needs to be done. I need to KNOW that I’m not wasting my time. Asking him point-blank questions and insisting point-blank answers is the only way I’m ever going to get anywhere near secure.
And now I’m done. Thanks for indulging me.
