… may drive us crazy, but will hopefully make us stronger.
In the past week:
- My man lost his job
- his truck got stuck in a neighbor’s yard
- the lawnmower refused to work
- I got rained on inside my car because my power window motor died when the window was down.
- I see no way to change the oil, fix the power window, side view mirror, fuel injectors, and O2 sensor on my car anytime soon.
- We may be kicked out of our house or have to do without power, hot water, or water. Maybe all of the above. If something doesn’t happen soon on the job front, I don’t know what we’ll do.
- I had to learn the hard way about how to handle a loved one with acute depression - worse than I’ve ever experienced before
- I had to learn how to be the strong one
- I haven’t been able to write in months. I beginning to worry that I’ve lost my gift. I hope it’s just the result of of this money stress and will come back when that improves. Writer friends keep telling me to use it, but I can’t concentrate long enough to try. Too much fuzz and static in my head. So I’m reading a lot in hopes it will keep until I’m ready for it.
I’m stuck in between belief systems right now. I’m bordering on agnostic, one Bible reading away from Atheism, and still not sure if there’s any intellect behind the concept of energy. I believe energy exists, but I’m not sure if it really does much. Maybe so. I know I put a shitload of “it’s going to be okay” energy into J the other night, and he was doing much better the next day. So I suppose there’s still something to it. But there’s been nothing but good energy before all this fit hit the shan. So why this sudden influx of bad? What did we do wrong? Did we do anything wrong at all or is it all just dumb luck?
I’ve been trying to avoid the spiritual side of things for fear of driving myself crazy. But I want to do something about all this. And job hunting and positive thinking don’t seem to be doing the trick. Every time I feel like things are about to get better, they get worse. So I guess I just want to feel like I have some semblance of control over it all. Control is an illusion, though. But giving in to that fact is scary.
Anyway, good thoughts and prayers or vibes, etc. would be greatly appreciated. I don’t know how much longer I can stay strong in the face of all this.
Our yard is awesome. Roses in the front smelling amazing, roses we didn’t know we had in the back. And more roses we didn’t know we had at one corner of the house. They’re gorgeous along with all the honeysuckle and the hydrangeas we just planted. And the tomato plants in the bed we weeded a couple weeks ago. Neither John nor I have really gotten into yard work before, but now we really enjoy it and look forward to watching everything evolve as we do more work on the garden and house.
Still haven’t found a better job, but:
- Have interview next week.
- Sold rings I never wear anymore so I have gas and cigarette money
- We get paid Saturday
- We now have a kitchen full of food
- John is awesome
- Had some good ideas last night thanks to a friend of ours and the green gift he brought over - that and Sterolab on NPR yesterday afternoon and 17-year cicadas.
- I freaking love my new phone (a Pantech Flex - never thought I would own a Pantech, but it’s really good quality and gets good reviews)
- I am awesome
- WE are awesome
So… if I want a decent phone I either have to pay for a grossly overpriced plan or a grossly overpriced phone?
And even though I use less than 200 minutes, 500 texts, and 256 megs of data, I still have to pay for at least 450 minutes, 1500 texts, and 1 gig of data?
I’ve been job hunting now for more than a year. Probably closer to two. I mean, I had an entirely different boyfriend and an entirely different house when I started. It’s getting ridiculous.
I applied today to something that pays $570 a week. That’s unheard of for office work here in the armpit of Northwest GA, but I’m going to trust it. It was in the paper and not on Craigslist, so chances are good it’s legit.
So help me out, kids. Send me some good vibes. I can’t tolerate fast food pizza work for much longer. That, and John can only take up so much of the slack.
Mama needs to buy some more vinyl!